8 tips for maintaining boundaries with your family this holiday season
Do you have a love/hate relationship with the holiday season?
I write some iteration of this theme every year. I do this not only as a reminder to my clients but for myself. This is the one time of year when all of our progress on boundaries and communication seems to be superseded by the desire to make everyone happy.
Don’t get me wrong - I love all the gatherings and holiday cookies. I love how all the storefronts are decorated and that it becomes socially acceptable to burn pine-scented candles 24/7. I even love buying and wrapping gifts. What I don’t love is all of the pressure. The pressure to have the perfect decorations and the perfect holiday dress. The pressure to always be available and say yes to every event (and then the pressure to say yes to all the drinks and delicious food). Sometimes celebrating the holidays can mean a cozy night in but it isn’t always easy to say no to our loved ones.
While the holiday season is a time for joy and connection, it can also be a period of heightened stress, strained relationships, and blurred boundaries. It's essential to strike a balance between sharing your precious time with others and respecting when you need your space. Here are seven ways to do just that:
1. Get Connected With Your Own Needs
This is something to begin implementing now. It may only be the start of November but grounding within is something you can and should be practicing year-round. One way I get connected with myself is by checking in daily. Even as a therapist this isn’t something I do naturally. I have a reminder on my phone that goes off every day. This quick pause allows me a moment to intentionally check how I am feeling. To check if I am tired, hungry, irritable, grateful. Oftentimes we don’t actually notice any of those sensations unless we are focusing on them or other side effects arise like your stomach grumbling, a mild headache, or light-headedness. If you can identify these emotions early, not only will you feel more connected with your body, but you will also feel more aligned with your actions.
I want to be in control of my behavior. Pausing and checking in allows me to do this. Otherwise, I am at risk of hanger - something no one needs to witness. Seriously though, after implementing this practice of a daily check-in, I slowly started to have awareness of my feelings and my body cues. I could tell when I was frustrated and instead of acting out of frustration, I could pause, take a breath, identify the source of frustration, and then choose how I want to respond. This has been a game changer for my relationships. It takes two seconds of your day and can have a major impact.
2. Communicate Your Boundaries
Once you know your needs, open and honest communication is key. Let your loved ones know what your boundaries are before issues arise. If you can, plan ahead. Look at your calendar and all of the obligations you have made. Something I do is visualize that the event is tonight. How do you feel about that? Are you excited to go? Are you anxious? Would you rather stay home? After taking a minute to reflect, make your decision. If you wouldn’t want to go if the event was tonight, you are likely not going to go to the event in a month. Save yourself the worry and the lost time. Say no now. Expressing your needs respectfully can prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.
3. Prioritize Self-Care
No one else is going to prioritize you. Let me say that again. No one else is going to prioritize you. Think about what it would be like to get through the whole holiday season without a power struggle with your sibling or a fight with your exhausted mom. Does that seem almost unfathomable? I can relate. I have spent holidays packed in with family and I have not always navigated it beautifully. I am most proud of my responses when I am taking care of myself. When I continue my morning routine even on vacation or incorporate movement. Even getting fresh air has helped me reset. I am telling you, daily check-ins and then finding ways to meet my own needs have been revolutionary for my relationships. When you feel balanced and feel like you are taking care of yourself, you can be more present and giving in your interactions with loved ones.
4. Learn To Say No
This list would not be complete without this one. It sounds obvious and simple, which it may be but it certainly isn’t easy. One of the most challenging aspects of boundary-setting is saying "no" when necessary. It's important to recognize your limits and politely decline invitations or requests when you're feeling overwhelmed. This is an extension of communicating your boundaries. No is a complete sentence. Saying no is a way to protect your well-being and maintain your emotional balance. Saying no can be the best thing for your relationships because it prevents you from resentment.
5. Put The Phone Down
When you decide to show up to a holiday event, give it your all. Be fully present. In today's digital age, it's easy to feel tethered to your phone or social media, even during the holidays. Instead of being distracted by whatever pressing thing your phone is trying to do to pull your attention away, engage in conversation. Notice the details. Savor the treats. You can even set boundaries for your screen time, such as no phones at the dinner table or designating specific times for checking messages. This allows you to fully engage with your loved ones without distractions.
The other advantage of limiting your phone usage is reducing comparison. For some reason, everyone’s holiday celebration on social media looks brighter and more cheerful. Don’t let the joy of your experience be dimmed by your perception of the joy of another.
6. Be Mindful Of Family Dynamics
Every family has its unique dynamics, and the holidays can amplify tensions or conflicts. Think about what went well and what was less than ideal about the last several holiday seasons. Did your mom flip out just before dinner? Did someone bring an unwanted guest to the dinner table? Did you have one too many libations at last year’s office part? To maintain healthy boundaries, it's crucial to recognize and manage these dynamics.
Dig a little deeper - reflect on why these things are happening. Did you have that extra drink because you were feeling uncomfortable? Did your mom snap because she was tired and stressed? When you know why something happened, you have a better chance of preventing the situation from repeating itself.
Be mindful of past issues, and approach them with empathy and understanding. When needed, address conflicts calmly and constructively.
7. Plan Ahead
Remember how I referenced the visualization of pretending you had to attend the event tonight and seeing how that made you feel? Take that a step further. Use the insights you’ve gained from checking in with yourself to plan your holiday wisely. If you have two events back to back make sure the third night is free. If you know you’ll be out late one night, plan for some relaxation the following day. Plan movement, plan shopping, plan a night in.
Planning and scheduling can be your allies in maintaining boundaries. Create a holiday schedule that includes both social activities and downtime. By sticking to a structured plan, you can ensure that you have time for yourself and your loved ones, without feeling overwhelmed or rushed.
8. Be Assertive, Not Aggressive
No list of tips for boundary setting written by a therapist would be complete without the inclusion of “I” statements. Many things in the mental health space are repeatedly referenced and can almost seem overhyped. That is usually because they are effective (read: gratitude lists, mindfulness, and meditations). Similarly, “I” statements are noted frequently because they work. Using “I” statements can frequently prevent the person you are communicating with from getting defensive because you are taking some amount of responsibility.
When it comes to boundary-setting, it's important to be assertive but not aggressive. Clearly communicate your needs and expectations without being confrontational. Use "I" statements to express how you feel and what you need. For example, say, "I need some quiet time this evening to recharge," instead of "You're too demanding, and I can't take it anymore."
Maintaining healthy boundaries during the holiday season is an ongoing process that requires self-awareness and practice. It's important to remember that boundaries are not about pushing people away; rather, they're about creating a space where you can truly connect with your loved ones without feeling overwhelmed or resentful. By establishing and maintaining these boundaries, you can have a more enjoyable and harmonious holiday season.
