Friendship in Your 20s and 30s: Making Meaningful Connections in a Transient Town
I had an interesting conversation with a long-time client recently. She is extroverted, social, and still having a hard time making new friends. She felt slightly defective and was comparing her ability to develop friendships with how she sees others doing it. We got to talking about meaningful connection in the modern era and we landed somewhere slightly unexpected. I have felt a shift. While complaints about developing friendships in adulthood are longstanding, developing them in the post-Covid era with the increasing pressure presence of social media has made it even more daunting.
In childhood, friendship was built into the structure of your life. You were in 8th grade with dozens of other 8th graders, all moving toward high school at the exact same pace. You shared a schedule, a hallway, a developmental stage. Then graduation happens and the uniformity disappears. Some people head to college, others to trade school, some start working, some travel, some enlist in the military. Life paths begin to splinter. The older we get, the more varied those paths become, and the smaller the pool of people at the same stage in the same setting as we are.
When you are in school, you spend 40 hours a week with your friends. As an adult, you maybe spend 2-4 hours a week with each friend. That number can also decrease as your responsibilities increase which makes forming deep connections more difficult.
Everything I just said is true of anywhere. Here in San Diego, there is an added layer of the transient nature of this beautiful town. There is a large military population. They notoriously move every few years. And there is a large contingency of people who came here to try out the California lifestyle (myself included). Some of these people stay and some go. This can make relationship formation hard too.
Our perception of our social connection is fundamental to our mental health and emotional wellbeing. We are social creatures. Feeling lonely and disconnected is human, but it is also scary. At a core, evolutionary level, it is scary because it used to be a threat to our safety. If you were alone, you were less likely to survive. That may not literally be true in this modern era, but it still feels true.
Why Adult Friendships Feel Different (and Sometimes Harder)
As I mentioned above, in adulthood, we don’t have all of these built in friendship making mechanisms. We are not going to music lessons, playing on sports teams, or volunteering for the school play. We are not naturally put into community without effort. You may live in an apartment building, but that has a distinctly different, less community oriented feel than a dorm.
In adulthood, our responsibilities also expand. We have rent, mortgages, car payments, childcare, etc. to pay. We have homes, pets and families to take care of. We have to cook meals, do our laundry, and hopefully find time to move our body everyday. Our careers also take up more space as we get older. We may have teams to manage. We may have to travel to meet clients. Not only does our job become more time consuming, it also becomes more stressful.
As this transition unfolds in our twenties, the comparison habit we perfected in middle and high school does not disappear. It simply moves online. We scroll and see peers who chose different paths and, at least from the outside, seem to be thriving. Maybe you got married and they did not, and their freedom looks intoxicating. Maybe they focused on their career and now appear wildly successful. Maybe they are traveling with friends or posting glowing family photos that radiate joy. Social media is a curated highlight reel, and it is a very convincing one.
Our relationship with social media can impact our confidence and sense of self which can make developing friendships feel more difficult. If everyone looks like they are doing more, you can start to feel unworthy or less than.
The Mental Health Impact of Disconnection
Now think about how all of the factors we have discussed add up. You have less built in community because you are not in school with your peers all day. You have more responsibility because, well, life. And, you start to feel like you are doing something wrong while everyone else is thriving. A + B + C can start to = anxiety and depression symptoms.
If that feels like a stretch, let me connect the dots. Anxiety does not always show up as panic attacks. It can look like chronic overthinking, irritability, or trouble concentrating. Depression is not always obvious sadness. It can show up as low motivation, shifts in sleep or appetite, or a quiet sense of not feeling good enough.
When your world becomes smaller and more of your “connection” comes through a screen, those symptoms can build gradually. It rarely happens all at once. Maybe you notice you have less patience for your friends. Maybe their good news irritates you, or their needs feel like too much. Maybe you start choosing the couch and reality TV over plans you would have once looked forward to. There are many ways this can take shape. That is part of why it can be hard to spot. It tends to creep in slowly rather than announce itself.
While I was writing this, another client brought up how hard it feels to build friendships in adulthood. She was not just talking about the initial courage it takes to ask the woman you see every week in your workout class or the person who orders at your coffee shop at the same time as you for their number. She was talking about what comes after. The follow through. Seeing each other consistently. Creating enough shared experience to actually build the emotional depth she wants.
Depth does not happen in a few well timed texts or one coffee date. It takes repetition. It takes time. It takes enough moments together to feel understood and known. And the phrase I hear more than any other is this: “I don’t have time.”
I would encourage you to find time. If you are feeling disconnected, restless, or even overwhelmed, developing friendships could be a great investment. Spending time with friends (even new ones) can get us out of our heads. Sometimes our focus is off and our lens is either too zoomed in or too far out. Getting out of your space and into conversation can be really helpful in recalibrating your perspective.
The other key point to emphasize here is the value of friendship in providing emotional intimacy without the complication of romance. As Carrie Bradshaw said, “Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates”.
Tips for Building Meaningful Friendships in San Diego
Now that we have named why this friendship rut happens and reminded ourselves how essential connection is for our mental health, let’s shift to what you can actually do about it. None of these suggestions are revolutionary. In fact, some of them might make you cringe a little. They may feel awkward or vulnerable. But staying stuck and longing for deeper friendships is uncomfortable too. If discomfort is part of the equation either way, you might as well choose the kind that moves you forward. Let’s start there.
1. Be Open About Wanting Connection
Normalize saying, “I’m looking to make some friends.”
Vulnerability invites connection.
2. Pursue Interest-Based Communities
Join a local yoga or fitness class.
Volunteer at a beach clean-up or local nonprofit.
Take a cooking or surf class, shared experiences matter.
3. Be the Initiator
Someone has to send the text.
Invite someone for a walk, smoothie, or sunset. Low-pressure is good.
4. Go Beyond the Small Talk
Ask meaningful questions.
Share a little more than usual to encourage closeness.
5. Reframe Rejection
Not every interaction turns into a best friend and that’s okay.
Keep trying without taking it personally.
What If You’re Still Feeling Lonely?
This is not going to be a quick fix. You are playing the long game. This isn’t like fourth grade where you could become best friends because you have the same color shoelaces. Friendship requires a lot of effort, and just like dating, you might have to kiss a few frogs before you meet your new best friend. I hope for you that this feels fun and exciting but I want to normalize it feeling like another chore on your to-do list. You may get frustrated always having to send the first text.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by all the effort or like your efforts are not paying off, let’s talk about it more. Reach out. We would be happy to help you explore your patterns and figure out why this isn’t working for you yet.
